Proper Coffee House Etiquette - Sunday February 21, 2010

Wake up at 10:00 with a wicked fuckin' hangover. It's definitely one of those you know is just going to last all day, regardless of how much water/coffee you drink, how many Advil you take, or how many cigarettes you smoke. That bitch is there, and it's there to stay, taunting the shit out of you for your inability to control yourself the night before. I jump in the shower, throw some clothes on, and head out to work my double at the Bou today. I contemplate driving off of a bridge on the way there.

I get to work and it's busy as all hell. Not only is it just busy, but it seems like there is some memo circulating the area asking people to bring no less than four people with them at a time if they so choose to visit Caribou Coffee. I swear to fucking god, anyone that set foot in that store today was traveling in packs. And, on top of everything, they all want overly-complicated drinks. Every fucking drink has some backward-ass modification that doesn't even begin to make sense. My question is, how do these some of these people even begin to think up some of these monstrosities? Some of these fucking drinks are so complicated that the fuckin' customer doesn't even know how to describe it. They just start spitting out fucking bullshit, and then while you're balls deep into making the drink, they start remembering even more bullshit modifications that they forgot to tell you before. And then they sit there and leer at you while you make it, just waiting for you to slip up so that they can bitch up a storm. Because if I've learned anything from living in America for the last 22 and a half years, it's that a coffee beverage can make or break your day. No wonder other countries look at us as a "special" country. We allow retards to roam the streets freely with no supervision and no helmets. And these retards I speak are in reference to %90 of the general public. I've actually waited on legit mentally handicapped customers before, and they actually know how to order drinks better than a so-called "normal person".

People these days are just fucking lazy as all hell. And not just lazy in the sense that they don't feel like working, getting up, doing things that need to be done, etc. I'm talking so lazy in the sense that they don't even want to take the time to read a fucking menu! People literally walk into the store and ask the employee to give them a step-by-step breakdown of the entire menu, all the while the fucking drinks are right above them in HUGE LETTERING!!! And it doesn't stop there. Then they ask you about ingredients, which are all written underneath the drink title. Then they ask you about cup sizes, while there are stacks of cups right next to them. Not only that, but how many fucking establishments do you walk in that serve something other than the standard "small, medium, and large." Sure, occasionally some place will tack on an "extra large", or if you're Starbucks, you find it more appealing to an already retarded customer to speak your sizes in a different language. But even when you look past Starbucks' unnecessary way of doing things, they STILL translate to "small, medium, and large." I swear to god if one more motherfucker walks in and orders a "regular" size, I'm gonna shank them.

It's like Randal says in Clerks, "It's like in order to join, they need an I.Q. of less than their shoe size." I have to agree. I never knew that ordering a fucking drink was such a complex mystery that people just don't "understand". The process is quite simple really, and I will proceed to break it down in case you're one of these dumb ass motherfuckers that I speak of. I seriously hope I am highly offending you right now, you deserve it...

Step One: Look above you at the GIANT FUCKING MENU that stretches from the beginning of the register, all the way to the end of the fucking counter.

Step Two: Know what your personal preferences are. Don't ask me "what's good" because A.) It's in my job title to say that everything is good, and B.) I don't know you or what the fuck you enjoy. So just think long and hard, because I know it's hard to pinpoint what tastes good to you, and find the drink that appeals to you.

Step Three: If you are unsure about what a drink has in it, try reading the fucking description underneath said drink. You'll be shocked to see that, not only are the ingredients listed underneath, but they describe it in such a way that will make your mouth water. It's a lot better than hearing my disgruntled voice ramble off what comes in your drink. Again, it all comes down to NOT being illiterate, and reading the HUGE WORDS right in front of you.

Step Four: Say the type of drink you want BEFORE you add in modifications. The type of drink is the first step. Example: If you want a skim latte with an extra shot, decaf, and two sugars, then you say, "I would like a small latte, skim milk, decaf, extra shot, and two sugars. Don't fucking list off the modifications first and then get around to saying it was a latte to begin with.

Step Five: Once said drink is ordered, pay for it, and with PAPER MONEY, not the spare change you found in your car. Let me break down for you what acceptable pay is. Paper cash and some sort of Credit/Debit card. And if you absolutely MUST pay with change, then please limit it to quarters only. Quarters are tolerable. Dimes, you're starting to press your luck. Nickles, fuck off. Pennies, get the fuck out of my store until you learn proper pay etiquette.

Step Six: Contrary to popular belief, it does NOT take twenty minutes to fix a drink. It actually takes at the most, two minutes. So do what you're supposed to do and STAND BY THE FUCKING PICK-UP COUNTER AND WAIT FOR YOUR FUCKING DRINK!!! Don't sit down at a fucking table and start making a phone call to kill time. And if you're just that lazy where you need to sit down for two minutes, please BE FUCKING ATTENTIVE!!! When I scream your drink throughout the store to the point that I'm piercing the ear-drums of the people standing close to me, and you still don't fucking walk up to get your drink, then congratulations my friend, you are deaf, dumb, and fucking ignorant.

And if those steps are too hard for you to follow, then you need to not leave your house ever again, unless you are supervised.

And just to further strengthen your understanding of proper coffee house etiquette, here is a list of little things to remember that you may want to make a mental note of:

1. Don't hold up the line. If you don't know what you want, then let the people behind you order first so you can take time to decipher what our menu says. And if the person behind you is in the same boat, then you can both work together to figure out this complex decision. People helping people, it's a work of art.

2. "Mocha" is just a fancy word for "Chocolate."

3. Not every coffee shop bases their drinks on Starbucks' selection. They have their own drinks, we have ours, and other places have theirs. Please notice the sign of the store you visit. If it doesn't say Starbucks, then please refrain from ordering Starbucks products and saying things like "grande" and "tall".

4. Garbage cans are not intended for you to pour unwanted quantities of coffee into. If you want room for creamer, please specify when we pour the coffee for you. And if we put too much in, please hand it back to us and let us pour some in the sink, where it doesn't leak all over the fucking floor.

5. Cappuccinos can NOT be iced. It's physically impossible.

6. The cappuccino you get from the automatic machine at the gas station every morning is NOT a real cappuccino. Please remember that when you're about to complain that the one we give you doesn't taste like the one from Shell.

7. A Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks is NOT a real macchiato. It is a latte with caramel and whip cream. A REAL macchiato is just shots of espresso with a few scoops of frothed milk on top. This information can be easily obtained by reading the menu board.

8. There are no free re-fills on bar drinks, only drip-brew coffee. You can't purchase a $5 drink and expect another one for free.

9. If you finish a drink, you can't bring it back and claim it tasted terrible and you want a refund.

10. We don't care how other coffee establishments operate. It's a different store. If you like their way doing things more than ours, then continue to go there.

11. Get off your fucking phone! You're not important, I don't think you're important, and I don't give a flying fuck that you have a blue tooth or a really cool I-Phone. If you're one of these people who sit on their cell phone during a transaction with another human being, congratulations, you are arrogant, rude, and are under the illusion that you're an important person.

12. Boxes of coffee to bring to your board meetings are NOT prepared ahead of time so that you can just pick one up at the last minute. They take at least fifteen minutes to put together, so please, don't be a douche bag and call fifteen minutes ahead.

13. To all soccer parents: FUCK OFF!

14. To all soccer parents that feed their team of eight-year-old's coffee beverages: FUCK OFF!

15. To all dumb women who think that by ordering skim milk, but keeping the whip cream, that it is healthier for you, congratulations, you're stupid twice over.

16. For all you cheap bastards out there, no, we do not have any specials on drinks or drink/bakery combination.

17. For all you pessimistic assholes who want to bitch at me, or other employees, at the outrageous price of their beverages, FUCK OFF! We don't make the prices, and you live in America. If you haven't realized that EVERYTHING is way over-priced no matter where you go, then congratulations, you're dumb and you don't even realize it.

18. We close when the Hours Of Operation sign says we close. Not twenty minutes after and not when you're ready to leave. If it says "Close at 9:00 PM" then pack your shit up and GET THE FUCK OUT at 9:00.

19. We open when the Hours of Operation sign says we open. Not ten minutes earlier, old man river. Standing outside the door and knocking will NOT entice employees to open the store just because you like to go to bed every night at 6:00 PM and wake up at 4:00 AM.

20. If you so choose to be the asshole that orders a disgusting amount of drinks at one time for you and your entire extended family, please don't expect the entire order to be ready in two minutes or less.

21. The tip jar is NOT a "free change" jar. If you don't have a quarter to prevent you from having to break that new crisp twenty-dollar bill, then tough shit. Go outside and look on the ground and see if you find one. Other than that, I couldn't give a fuck. That's MY FUCKING QUARTER!!

22. Don't order a drink and then go take a shit while you wait. It doesn't take that long AND it's just kind of disturbing.

23. Contrary to popular belief, toilets DO flush and not every restaurant has an automatic flusher.

24. The customer is only "always right" in the sense that I don't want to lose my job. That doesn't mean that you're actually "right."

25. If you're too stupid and/or arrogant to follow any of the above mentioned guidelines, then you are what plagues our society. Congratulations, you're the reason people suck.


As for the rest of my day, I get out of work around ten after seven. I cruise home and chill with Justin and Mary for the rest of the night. We watch Knocked Up and throw back a few beers. They leave around midnight and I do the nightly routine and pass out while watching more of the Ultimate Cut of Watchmen.